julieslittlejoys

for now, I'm going back to posting on my old blog www.julieslittlejoys.blogspot.com

Two blogs is one, possibly two too many!! I may merge them, or I will pick one and stick with it, I'm not sure just at the moment, but for now head over there to see what we've been up to.

Love and blessings to everyone xx

16 February

It's been a rough few weeks, for reasons I'm not quite ready or able to go into just at the moment. It lead to a weekend where finally I stopped, and relaxed a bit and then fell apart completely - as the adrenelin left, I broke. Having not slept properly in ages, I slept for 12 hours solid on Saturday night, and still woke up tired on Sunday.

One thing that has prevented this from spiralling out of control is my daily yoga practice - I do 2o minutes/half an hour every morning, starting with some sun salutations and finishing with 5 minutes meditation. I honestly think I would loose my mind without it.

To take that time each day, just gives me the chance to regroup, recenter and accept whatever else might be happening. Some days it is easier to switch off than others, some days my mind is still racing even as I go through the positions, but I try to focus on my breath and draw myself into the present.

What I love, aside from the inner strength and sense of well being it gives me, is the progression I have made with some of the poses. Whilst I don't notice day to day any specific changes, I realise after a month or so, sometimes longer, has passed, that I can manage to do something that I couldn't before. Each day I have stretched a little further, breathed a little deeper and eventually the results have come.

I take that lesson with me into each day too.

What do you do to calm and centre yourself ?

What actions do you take for self-care, especially when the going gets tough ?

14 February

Love, love is verb

Love is a doing word
Fearless on my breath

Gentle impulsion

Shakes me makes me lighter

Fearless on my breath

Teardrop on the fire

Fearless on my breath

Taken from "Teardrop" - love the Massive Attack and the Newton Faulkner versions.

How has love made you fearless on this Valentines Day ?

12 February

I realised something today, not earth shattering, but so blindingly obvious I wonder why it has never struck me before.

If you know me well, you would know that despite initial impressions when you walk into my home, of a calm, tidy, well ordered living space, as soon as you open a cupboard door you are likely to suffer something falling on you. I love peace, tranquility, zen calm orderliness. But I have a tendancy to horde and an aversion to clearing out. So my solution is to shove it all behind a closed door, shut the door and pretend that all is well. Except somewhere inside I know that there is a tonne of cr*p waiting to be dealt with.

As a person, I am generally considered relaxed, unflappable. My tag line on my school leaving annual was "cool, calm and collected" . My nickname at work was The Swan, because I would glide along the surface appearing unruffled, while underneath, paddling and working like crazy.

Spotted the obvious similarity yet - it's only taken me all my adult life so far ? In life as in my home, I like everything smooth, calm and ordered. And on the surface it is. But open those closets and it's an unholy mess underneath.

I've come to realise that's not healthy. So, I'm taking strides, to clear out my home (no more sliding avalanches as you ease open the door, no more clutter lurking and haunting me; to clear out my inner spaces too, no more hiding from the truth, failing to stand up for myself or pretending that everything is OK when it is very clearly not.

It's a challenge, but it'll be worth it in the end.

10 February

Buddha said

"when you realise how perfect everything is, you will tilt your head back and laugh at the sky"

I feel like the last month has flown by with so many big things to ponder. We've considered massive life changing decisions (more explanation to follow another time). I've literally been consumed by them, to the point of forgetting to turn up to things, waking at 4 am to wrestle with inner dilemmas, going back and forth trying to determine which is right and best and the right way up. Planning and thinking about the future, the near future and the long term and not wanting to screw any of it up.

And you know what - I'm done with the thinking. I am So Over It.

I don't know what tomorrow holds. I don't know if the decision I've made is the right one. If it's not I'll change it. If people don't like it, I'll deal with it.

So for the rest of this month, I'm doing as Buddha says - I'm tilting my head back and laughing at the sky. And it feels so good, so light, so refreshing. So free.

I've decided to have a word or two to focus on for the next couple of weeks:: Fun & Freedom.

Because, more than anything else, that's what I want in my life, right now. The rest, it'll sort itself out one way or another.

8 February

I alluded to this in my last post, but we are in the midst of making what is proving to be one of the most difficult decisions of our family life.

Taine is wildly unhappy at school. We are hugely unhappy with the school. There are a number of reasons why for both of these, none of which I really want to go into right now, it's all too raw and painful. I tried to write about it earlier and just ended in floods of tears.

We are considering a variety of options, one of which is, at least for the short term to Home Educate him (and by extension, Aiyana, who at only 3 is at home anyway). It's freaking scary framky.

I know I want them at home: on one level I am sure that it will be wonderful for our relationships, for our development, for us all to grow. I would relish the joy of teaching him and learning new things with him. And frankly, couldn't really do a worse job of educating him than I do now. As I posted before, I've met some local HE'ders and they were fabulously lovely people.

But

There are so many buts: Taine and I butt heads. A lot. We are both strong willed, stubborn. Quick to anger. How will we cope with no let out clause (school can provide a break for both of us, a chance to calm down and rationalise) ? Due to circumstance he's never been at home full time, as I worked when he was a baby, then he was in school by the time I stopped work to have Aiyana. How will he manage at home - he's always been mega social and loves to be out and about and playing and doing and in the thick of a hustle and bustle. And yes, I know there are plenty, masses, of HE groups and meet and opportunities to do stuff. But I do not like that. One or two social events per week is more than enough to fill me up. Anymore and I am overwhelmed. Same for Aiyana - how can we balance our competing needs ? Will he go completely stir crazy at home ? Supposing that rather than strengthen our relationship we drive each other completely mad and our relationship totally breaks down ? What if I can't cope ?What if I get sick ? I will have to give up my time to myself - do I want to do that ? Our family is bound to disapprove greatly, being very conventional - can we (mostly i) cope with that disapproval, something I have always sought to avoid - If I am being authentic and my own person should that even come into making the decision ?

These are all the thoughts that are swirling round in my head. Constantly. Morning, noon and at 4am on a Tuesday morning.

All I do know is that my boy is desparately unhappy at school, and I'm becoming more and more convinced that doubts and fears and insecurities aside, the most important thing is to do something about that, and that something increasingly looks like home-schooling. I may be quiet in this space for a while as I deal with the maelstrom of thoughts, and grope my way towards a conclusion.

I welcome any comments, advice, pros or cons. I'd like to hear it all, and congratulations if you got this far in reading - it's funny how helpful it's been just to get it all down in black and white.

6 February

I haven't written much about it yet, although I will, when things are not quite so raw, but we are in the midst of a dilemma whether to withdraw our children from school and commence home-educating them. Any words of advice, encouragement or any comment at all would be gratefully received at this point.

But, in the spirit of being open and finding more about it, I took Aiyana with me and met up with a local HE Group a few days ago. We met up at a local nature reserve and it was such a wonderful, amazing time.

It was bitter cold, and I mean Bitter - it was mostly hovering around -2 degrees as we drove there, and about three times I nearly turned the car back towards home as the cold and the nerves got the better of me, but something made me keep going and I am so pleased that I did.

I had such a great time that I didn't think to take many photos, but these are a couple that I took of our beautiful surroundings. To be honest, though, that was the least special part of the day, for me. Meeting and talking and sharing and bonding with some truly amazing people, well, I was just left beaming and more convinced than ever that this is the right path for us.

People who are accepting, non-judgemental, who care about their kids but don't keep them wrapped in a bubble away from the norms of society (an issue I've had with some of the Steiner partents I've encountered). People I could immediately sit down and have a conversation with, who were warm and welcoming and inclusive.

Oh, and have I mentioned the children ? A bunch of different children from different families, girls, boys, all ages, playing together, being kind, looking out for one another. Children and teenagers who willingly and ably conversed with adults (me) and small children (Aiyana) - no stand-offishness, no teenage rebellion, no refusal to talk or play with a little one just because they are smaller. A better advert for HE couldn't be found.

Decisions still need to be made, as to whether we can do it, whether it is the right thing for our family, but I am feeling much encouraged.

3 February

I read this the other day, and liked it

Kiss your life. Accept it just as it is. Today. Now.

So those moments of happiness you are waiting for don't

pass you by

So, today I am kissing my life.

I am kissing those people in my life I love.

I am looking for joy pockets (thanks Mon) in every corner.

I am putting my intentions onto making sure that I savour every moment of this day, even the not so special ones, the routine bits. Because there will never be another 3//2/2011 - there will never be another day like this, even if tomorrow, or next week, the day seems similar. So I am celebrating Today. Because in it's own ordinary way, it's very special.

01 February

We don't stop playing because we grow old

we grow old because we stop playing

Let's all go have some FUN today. Play, just because we can, because it feels good, because we want to. Because it connects us to the ones we love. Just because

1 February

I was reading part of a Steiner essay on Early Childhood a few days ago (as you do) when I was particularly taken by the metaphor he used.

I am paraphrasing, badly, but basically he was saying that when you look at a tiny shoot in the ground, particularly appropriate at this time of year, all you can actually see is the little hint of green. You know that it contains within it, the flower, the brightly coloured petal and the stamen and all the other parts, but they are yet to show themselves. As with plants, children - they have all the elements within them to become a fully formed adult human being, it's all there inside them already, but as yet, unrealised and unformed.

As parents and raisers of children, we need to provide them with the nuturing that is required to bring forth that inner beauty - for as surely as a flower may still be produced if the plant is neglected, one that is carefully and lovingly nurtured will produce the best bloom.

Like I say, badly paraphrased, but I really did like the sentiments expressed. How a child (and plant) is already whole and complete and contains within it all that it will eventually become. Whether it manages it's full potential will depend on what is around it as it matures, so our job is not to mould, co-erce or hothouse our children, but instead provide all the right circumstances for them to flower into their own beauty and fulfil their own potential whatever that may be.