Nothing to do with the 80s Norwegian superstar band (although Morton Harket was my first crush - I have no shame).
I posted before about my D'uh moment after I had contemplated Jen's post and thought deep about it.
Then a couple of days later my Dad was round visiting us. Something he said, or did, I can't even remember it now, just made me step back and go "w0w". I realised that all my life, he's been parenting me in just the way I described in the D'uh post (and look folks, I'm no delinquent, honest). He's never been one for flying off the handle, in fact the description most commonly applied to him, is "so laid back he's practically comatose". He weighs the situation up, then decides what to do or say. No harsh words or thoughtless comments fly from his lips.
Me, I think I'm more like my Mum. Who is, I should immediately point out, wonderfu and very loving. But also quick to anger. Tends to say things in temper that she really shouldn't. And doesn't even mean but just speaks first when she is agitated.
My Mum did all the disciplining when I was growing up. And yet, I remember more the times when I got into trouble with my Dad. Because they were rare. And because, even then, he didn't shout. He didn't react immediately. He'd come and find me, he'd sit and listen to my side. Then he'd tell me what he thought. What had gone wrong, honestly, if he felt let down or that what I had done was wrong. But in a few words. He didn't labour the point. He didn't shout. He moved swiftly onto restitution and making things better. And generally, all that had such an impact on me, I never did whatever it was again. Never wanted to. Hated the thought of letting him down.
It works, this gentle stuff. I know it does. I've experienced it. I see it in how my Dad is with my children. I know I can do it, if I unlearn my behaviour patterns. If I choose to follow the right examples.
I don't think it's going to be easy. I don't think I'm going to stop shouting overnight. I don't think I'll never slip up. But I know in my heart of hearts I can do it. I want to do it. And I know that it works.
looking at how our parents did things is a great tool for our own style.
ReplyDeletemy father was scary, my mother was a bit manic - either screaming or ignoring.
i have the passion but i'm loving, and not hysterical and never say anything i don't mean, to anyone actually.
and it's a great point too - that constant shouting or telling off, well, we tune out, the rare moments are poignant in contrast.
What a wonderful a-ha!! I think that's when it all began to sink in for me, how much weight I still carried from the shadows of my own childhood. I believed I even thought yelling was normal, because it was when I was growing up. Happy for you Julie, change is happening :).
ReplyDeletethank you both for your comments. I think it is so difficult not to parent in the mould and manner in which you were parented. Consciously or unconsciously it influences the way we are with our children so much - it's something that I constantly have to be aware of, although I also wonder if this is because we live very close to my parents and see them a lot (several times per week) so I am overtly seeing/hearing their opinions, both on my parenting and on the children's behaviour - that said they are generally very supportive, and couldn't dote on or love the children more, but I do wonder what decisions I might make differently.
ReplyDeleteDads like ours shape beautiful, fair, calm Mommies...when we finally hush ourselves long enough to recognise that the situation demands more mindful parenting than instinct would have us play out...
ReplyDeleteThank you for this reminder and lovely to meet you on Twitter!