Nothing to do with the 80s Norwegian superstar band (although Morton Harket was my first crush - I have no shame).
I posted before about my D'uh moment after I had contemplated Jen's post and thought deep about it.
Then a couple of days later my Dad was round visiting us. Something he said, or did, I can't even remember it now, just made me step back and go "w0w". I realised that all my life, he's been parenting me in just the way I described in the D'uh post (and look folks, I'm no delinquent, honest). He's never been one for flying off the handle, in fact the description most commonly applied to him, is "so laid back he's practically comatose". He weighs the situation up, then decides what to do or say. No harsh words or thoughtless comments fly from his lips.
Me, I think I'm more like my Mum. Who is, I should immediately point out, wonderfu and very loving. But also quick to anger. Tends to say things in temper that she really shouldn't. And doesn't even mean but just speaks first when she is agitated.
My Mum did all the disciplining when I was growing up. And yet, I remember more the times when I got into trouble with my Dad. Because they were rare. And because, even then, he didn't shout. He didn't react immediately. He'd come and find me, he'd sit and listen to my side. Then he'd tell me what he thought. What had gone wrong, honestly, if he felt let down or that what I had done was wrong. But in a few words. He didn't labour the point. He didn't shout. He moved swiftly onto restitution and making things better. And generally, all that had such an impact on me, I never did whatever it was again. Never wanted to. Hated the thought of letting him down.
It works, this gentle stuff. I know it does. I've experienced it. I see it in how my Dad is with my children. I know I can do it, if I unlearn my behaviour patterns. If I choose to follow the right examples.
I don't think it's going to be easy. I don't think I'm going to stop shouting overnight. I don't think I'll never slip up. But I know in my heart of hearts I can do it. I want to do it. And I know that it works.
Thursday 5 May 2011
Thursday 28 April 2011
The D'uh Moment
I read a post by a wonderful lady and blogger, Jen a week ago (it was the Don't sweat the small stuff post here: www.jennifermcgrail.com) I thought about it a bit and I wasn't quite sure what to make of it.
To summarise, (but really, go read for yourself, I recommend it!) - she wrote about an incident where her daughter threw her son's trainers in the pond, she fished them out and that was it. She didn't angry or loose it or shout and that impressed her son's friend no end.
My first thought was how wonderful, I would love to be like that. Since having children I am extremely short tempered, with the children but with life in general, far less laid back and tolerant than I used to be, and, frankly, I don't like it.
Then I thought some more, and I thought, but how will her daughter ever grow up knowing right from wrong, will she grow all her life thinking it's OK to throw trainers in ponds, would I want my kids acting like that. Part of this is putting my own story on stuff (for example, Bear loves his trainers, is very particular over them and would hate them to get covered in pond gunk; he hates going barefoot too, so unlike me and Butterfly) so would hate to have to wear wet shoes or go without - so I thought about how that kind of action would probably really spoil our day and be very upsetting for Bear. So I started to think, I could never be like that, I wouldn't want my kids to be like that.
Anyway, cut forward a bit and a lot of email exchanges with lovely Jen later, I suddenly had my D'uh moment. She explained, that, although it wasn't relevant to her post, it wasn't that she'd patted her daughter on the back, and said well done for such good throwing darling, here's the keys and my phone, why don't you throw them in the pond too ! She'd calmly spoken to her daughter about not taking such actions, she'd embarked on a process of teaching this little girl (who is after all only 3) appropriate and not so appropriate behaviours. But she didn't loose it.
And I realised, it's not a question of one or the other. I don't have to shout to make myself heard. Lecturing and loosing it and getting angry does nothing. Except maybe teach the kids how not to behave towards each other when the other upsets them. They don't learn when I am standing over them yelling. They don't learn from sarcasm. They don't learn from punishments.
That doesn't mean behaviour is always accepted. That there is never any learning. It's just that the issue is dealt with calmly. Or later. Or not at all if it's not that important. Deal with the problem (retrieve the trainers); do the learning part later when everyone is calm and ready to listen. And if you can laugh about it in the meantime, well then, doesn't that make life better for everyone ?
I think sometimes, especially to those on the outside like me who are trying to move from control to connected parenting, we don't see the whole picture. Like Jen said, her post was focussed on one thing, but it may have left the impression that actually she did nothing about the incident, and I think many connected parenting articles end up like that. They focus on the not loosing it part, on the remaining connected and centered part, and for those who don't know any better (or perhaps it's just me?), there's a feeling that that is all there is.
I can be the parent I want to be without my children growing up delinquents. I can deal with issues without snapping/yelling/shouting etc etc. They will probably, no, definitely, learn more from a couple of well chosen softly spoken words later, or at an appropriate time than a tirade of invective in the heat of the moment.
Obvious ? Well, yes. But it took Jen's post to make me sit up and smell the coffee. So thanks to Jen and here's to putting this into action. One baby step at a time, but hopefully we are on the right road.
To summarise, (but really, go read for yourself, I recommend it!) - she wrote about an incident where her daughter threw her son's trainers in the pond, she fished them out and that was it. She didn't angry or loose it or shout and that impressed her son's friend no end.
My first thought was how wonderful, I would love to be like that. Since having children I am extremely short tempered, with the children but with life in general, far less laid back and tolerant than I used to be, and, frankly, I don't like it.
Then I thought some more, and I thought, but how will her daughter ever grow up knowing right from wrong, will she grow all her life thinking it's OK to throw trainers in ponds, would I want my kids acting like that. Part of this is putting my own story on stuff (for example, Bear loves his trainers, is very particular over them and would hate them to get covered in pond gunk; he hates going barefoot too, so unlike me and Butterfly) so would hate to have to wear wet shoes or go without - so I thought about how that kind of action would probably really spoil our day and be very upsetting for Bear. So I started to think, I could never be like that, I wouldn't want my kids to be like that.
Anyway, cut forward a bit and a lot of email exchanges with lovely Jen later, I suddenly had my D'uh moment. She explained, that, although it wasn't relevant to her post, it wasn't that she'd patted her daughter on the back, and said well done for such good throwing darling, here's the keys and my phone, why don't you throw them in the pond too ! She'd calmly spoken to her daughter about not taking such actions, she'd embarked on a process of teaching this little girl (who is after all only 3) appropriate and not so appropriate behaviours. But she didn't loose it.
And I realised, it's not a question of one or the other. I don't have to shout to make myself heard. Lecturing and loosing it and getting angry does nothing. Except maybe teach the kids how not to behave towards each other when the other upsets them. They don't learn when I am standing over them yelling. They don't learn from sarcasm. They don't learn from punishments.
That doesn't mean behaviour is always accepted. That there is never any learning. It's just that the issue is dealt with calmly. Or later. Or not at all if it's not that important. Deal with the problem (retrieve the trainers); do the learning part later when everyone is calm and ready to listen. And if you can laugh about it in the meantime, well then, doesn't that make life better for everyone ?
I think sometimes, especially to those on the outside like me who are trying to move from control to connected parenting, we don't see the whole picture. Like Jen said, her post was focussed on one thing, but it may have left the impression that actually she did nothing about the incident, and I think many connected parenting articles end up like that. They focus on the not loosing it part, on the remaining connected and centered part, and for those who don't know any better (or perhaps it's just me?), there's a feeling that that is all there is.
I can be the parent I want to be without my children growing up delinquents. I can deal with issues without snapping/yelling/shouting etc etc. They will probably, no, definitely, learn more from a couple of well chosen softly spoken words later, or at an appropriate time than a tirade of invective in the heat of the moment.
Obvious ? Well, yes. But it took Jen's post to make me sit up and smell the coffee. So thanks to Jen and here's to putting this into action. One baby step at a time, but hopefully we are on the right road.
Sunday 20 February 2011
julieslittlejoys
for now, I'm going back to posting on my old blog www.julieslittlejoys.blogspot.com
Two blogs is one, possibly two too many!! I may merge them, or I will pick one and stick with it, I'm not sure just at the moment, but for now head over there to see what we've been up to.
Love and blessings to everyone xx
Two blogs is one, possibly two too many!! I may merge them, or I will pick one and stick with it, I'm not sure just at the moment, but for now head over there to see what we've been up to.
Love and blessings to everyone xx
Wednesday 16 February 2011
16 February
It's been a rough few weeks, for reasons I'm not quite ready or able to go into just at the moment. It lead to a weekend where finally I stopped, and relaxed a bit and then fell apart completely - as the adrenelin left, I broke. Having not slept properly in ages, I slept for 12 hours solid on Saturday night, and still woke up tired on Sunday.
One thing that has prevented this from spiralling out of control is my daily yoga practice - I do 2o minutes/half an hour every morning, starting with some sun salutations and finishing with 5 minutes meditation. I honestly think I would loose my mind without it.
To take that time each day, just gives me the chance to regroup, recenter and accept whatever else might be happening. Some days it is easier to switch off than others, some days my mind is still racing even as I go through the positions, but I try to focus on my breath and draw myself into the present.
What I love, aside from the inner strength and sense of well being it gives me, is the progression I have made with some of the poses. Whilst I don't notice day to day any specific changes, I realise after a month or so, sometimes longer, has passed, that I can manage to do something that I couldn't before. Each day I have stretched a little further, breathed a little deeper and eventually the results have come.
I take that lesson with me into each day too.
What do you do to calm and centre yourself ?
What actions do you take for self-care, especially when the going gets tough ?
Monday 14 February 2011
14 February
Love, love is verb
Love is a doing word
Fearless on my breath
Fearless on my breath
Gentle impulsion
Shakes me makes me lighter
Fearless on my breath
Teardrop on the fire
Fearless on my breath
Taken from "Teardrop" - love the Massive Attack and the Newton Faulkner versions.
How has love made you fearless on this Valentines Day ?
Saturday 12 February 2011
12 February
I realised something today, not earth shattering, but so blindingly obvious I wonder why it has never struck me before.
If you know me well, you would know that despite initial impressions when you walk into my home, of a calm, tidy, well ordered living space, as soon as you open a cupboard door you are likely to suffer something falling on you. I love peace, tranquility, zen calm orderliness. But I have a tendancy to horde and an aversion to clearing out. So my solution is to shove it all behind a closed door, shut the door and pretend that all is well. Except somewhere inside I know that there is a tonne of cr*p waiting to be dealt with.
As a person, I am generally considered relaxed, unflappable. My tag line on my school leaving annual was "cool, calm and collected" . My nickname at work was The Swan, because I would glide along the surface appearing unruffled, while underneath, paddling and working like crazy.
Spotted the obvious similarity yet - it's only taken me all my adult life so far ? In life as in my home, I like everything smooth, calm and ordered. And on the surface it is. But open those closets and it's an unholy mess underneath.
I've come to realise that's not healthy. So, I'm taking strides, to clear out my home (no more sliding avalanches as you ease open the door, no more clutter lurking and haunting me; to clear out my inner spaces too, no more hiding from the truth, failing to stand up for myself or pretending that everything is OK when it is very clearly not.
It's a challenge, but it'll be worth it in the end.
If you know me well, you would know that despite initial impressions when you walk into my home, of a calm, tidy, well ordered living space, as soon as you open a cupboard door you are likely to suffer something falling on you. I love peace, tranquility, zen calm orderliness. But I have a tendancy to horde and an aversion to clearing out. So my solution is to shove it all behind a closed door, shut the door and pretend that all is well. Except somewhere inside I know that there is a tonne of cr*p waiting to be dealt with.
As a person, I am generally considered relaxed, unflappable. My tag line on my school leaving annual was "cool, calm and collected" . My nickname at work was The Swan, because I would glide along the surface appearing unruffled, while underneath, paddling and working like crazy.
Spotted the obvious similarity yet - it's only taken me all my adult life so far ? In life as in my home, I like everything smooth, calm and ordered. And on the surface it is. But open those closets and it's an unholy mess underneath.
I've come to realise that's not healthy. So, I'm taking strides, to clear out my home (no more sliding avalanches as you ease open the door, no more clutter lurking and haunting me; to clear out my inner spaces too, no more hiding from the truth, failing to stand up for myself or pretending that everything is OK when it is very clearly not.
It's a challenge, but it'll be worth it in the end.
Thursday 10 February 2011
10 February
Buddha said
"when you realise how perfect everything is, you will tilt your head back and laugh at the sky"
I feel like the last month has flown by with so many big things to ponder. We've considered massive life changing decisions (more explanation to follow another time). I've literally been consumed by them, to the point of forgetting to turn up to things, waking at 4 am to wrestle with inner dilemmas, going back and forth trying to determine which is right and best and the right way up. Planning and thinking about the future, the near future and the long term and not wanting to screw any of it up.
And you know what - I'm done with the thinking. I am So Over It.
I don't know what tomorrow holds. I don't know if the decision I've made is the right one. If it's not I'll change it. If people don't like it, I'll deal with it.
So for the rest of this month, I'm doing as Buddha says - I'm tilting my head back and laughing at the sky. And it feels so good, so light, so refreshing. So free.
I've decided to have a word or two to focus on for the next couple of weeks:: Fun & Freedom.
Because, more than anything else, that's what I want in my life, right now. The rest, it'll sort itself out one way or another.
Tuesday 8 February 2011
8 February
I alluded to this in my last post, but we are in the midst of making what is proving to be one of the most difficult decisions of our family life.
Taine is wildly unhappy at school. We are hugely unhappy with the school. There are a number of reasons why for both of these, none of which I really want to go into right now, it's all too raw and painful. I tried to write about it earlier and just ended in floods of tears.
We are considering a variety of options, one of which is, at least for the short term to Home Educate him (and by extension, Aiyana, who at only 3 is at home anyway). It's freaking scary framky.
I know I want them at home: on one level I am sure that it will be wonderful for our relationships, for our development, for us all to grow. I would relish the joy of teaching him and learning new things with him. And frankly, couldn't really do a worse job of educating him than I do now. As I posted before, I've met some local HE'ders and they were fabulously lovely people.
But
There are so many buts: Taine and I butt heads. A lot. We are both strong willed, stubborn. Quick to anger. How will we cope with no let out clause (school can provide a break for both of us, a chance to calm down and rationalise) ? Due to circumstance he's never been at home full time, as I worked when he was a baby, then he was in school by the time I stopped work to have Aiyana. How will he manage at home - he's always been mega social and loves to be out and about and playing and doing and in the thick of a hustle and bustle. And yes, I know there are plenty, masses, of HE groups and meet and opportunities to do stuff. But I do not like that. One or two social events per week is more than enough to fill me up. Anymore and I am overwhelmed. Same for Aiyana - how can we balance our competing needs ? Will he go completely stir crazy at home ? Supposing that rather than strengthen our relationship we drive each other completely mad and our relationship totally breaks down ? What if I can't cope ?What if I get sick ? I will have to give up my time to myself - do I want to do that ? Our family is bound to disapprove greatly, being very conventional - can we (mostly i) cope with that disapproval, something I have always sought to avoid - If I am being authentic and my own person should that even come into making the decision ?
These are all the thoughts that are swirling round in my head. Constantly. Morning, noon and at 4am on a Tuesday morning.
All I do know is that my boy is desparately unhappy at school, and I'm becoming more and more convinced that doubts and fears and insecurities aside, the most important thing is to do something about that, and that something increasingly looks like home-schooling. I may be quiet in this space for a while as I deal with the maelstrom of thoughts, and grope my way towards a conclusion.
I welcome any comments, advice, pros or cons. I'd like to hear it all, and congratulations if you got this far in reading - it's funny how helpful it's been just to get it all down in black and white.
Taine is wildly unhappy at school. We are hugely unhappy with the school. There are a number of reasons why for both of these, none of which I really want to go into right now, it's all too raw and painful. I tried to write about it earlier and just ended in floods of tears.
We are considering a variety of options, one of which is, at least for the short term to Home Educate him (and by extension, Aiyana, who at only 3 is at home anyway). It's freaking scary framky.
I know I want them at home: on one level I am sure that it will be wonderful for our relationships, for our development, for us all to grow. I would relish the joy of teaching him and learning new things with him. And frankly, couldn't really do a worse job of educating him than I do now. As I posted before, I've met some local HE'ders and they were fabulously lovely people.
But
There are so many buts: Taine and I butt heads. A lot. We are both strong willed, stubborn. Quick to anger. How will we cope with no let out clause (school can provide a break for both of us, a chance to calm down and rationalise) ? Due to circumstance he's never been at home full time, as I worked when he was a baby, then he was in school by the time I stopped work to have Aiyana. How will he manage at home - he's always been mega social and loves to be out and about and playing and doing and in the thick of a hustle and bustle. And yes, I know there are plenty, masses, of HE groups and meet and opportunities to do stuff. But I do not like that. One or two social events per week is more than enough to fill me up. Anymore and I am overwhelmed. Same for Aiyana - how can we balance our competing needs ? Will he go completely stir crazy at home ? Supposing that rather than strengthen our relationship we drive each other completely mad and our relationship totally breaks down ? What if I can't cope ?What if I get sick ? I will have to give up my time to myself - do I want to do that ? Our family is bound to disapprove greatly, being very conventional - can we (mostly i) cope with that disapproval, something I have always sought to avoid - If I am being authentic and my own person should that even come into making the decision ?
These are all the thoughts that are swirling round in my head. Constantly. Morning, noon and at 4am on a Tuesday morning.
All I do know is that my boy is desparately unhappy at school, and I'm becoming more and more convinced that doubts and fears and insecurities aside, the most important thing is to do something about that, and that something increasingly looks like home-schooling. I may be quiet in this space for a while as I deal with the maelstrom of thoughts, and grope my way towards a conclusion.
I welcome any comments, advice, pros or cons. I'd like to hear it all, and congratulations if you got this far in reading - it's funny how helpful it's been just to get it all down in black and white.
Sunday 6 February 2011
6 February
I haven't written much about it yet, although I will, when things are not quite so raw, but we are in the midst of a dilemma whether to withdraw our children from school and commence home-educating them. Any words of advice, encouragement or any comment at all would be gratefully received at this point.
But, in the spirit of being open and finding more about it, I took Aiyana with me and met up with a local HE Group a few days ago. We met up at a local nature reserve and it was such a wonderful, amazing time.
But, in the spirit of being open and finding more about it, I took Aiyana with me and met up with a local HE Group a few days ago. We met up at a local nature reserve and it was such a wonderful, amazing time.
It was bitter cold, and I mean Bitter - it was mostly hovering around -2 degrees as we drove there, and about three times I nearly turned the car back towards home as the cold and the nerves got the better of me, but something made me keep going and I am so pleased that I did.
I had such a great time that I didn't think to take many photos, but these are a couple that I took of our beautiful surroundings. To be honest, though, that was the least special part of the day, for me. Meeting and talking and sharing and bonding with some truly amazing people, well, I was just left beaming and more convinced than ever that this is the right path for us.
People who are accepting, non-judgemental, who care about their kids but don't keep them wrapped in a bubble away from the norms of society (an issue I've had with some of the Steiner partents I've encountered). People I could immediately sit down and have a conversation with, who were warm and welcoming and inclusive.
Oh, and have I mentioned the children ? A bunch of different children from different families, girls, boys, all ages, playing together, being kind, looking out for one another. Children and teenagers who willingly and ably conversed with adults (me) and small children (Aiyana) - no stand-offishness, no teenage rebellion, no refusal to talk or play with a little one just because they are smaller. A better advert for HE couldn't be found.
Decisions still need to be made, as to whether we can do it, whether it is the right thing for our family, but I am feeling much encouraged.
Thursday 3 February 2011
3 February
I read this the other day, and liked it
Kiss your life. Accept it just as it is. Today. Now.
So those moments of happiness you are waiting for don't
pass you by
So, today I am kissing my life.
I am kissing those people in my life I love.
I am looking for joy pockets (thanks Mon) in every corner.
I am putting my intentions onto making sure that I savour every moment of this day, even the not so special ones, the routine bits. Because there will never be another 3//2/2011 - there will never be another day like this, even if tomorrow, or next week, the day seems similar. So I am celebrating Today. Because in it's own ordinary way, it's very special.
Tuesday 1 February 2011
01 February
We don't stop playing because we grow old
we grow old because we stop playing
Let's all go have some FUN today. Play, just because we can, because it feels good, because we want to. Because it connects us to the ones we love. Just because
1 February
I was reading part of a Steiner essay on Early Childhood a few days ago (as you do) when I was particularly taken by the metaphor he used.
I am paraphrasing, badly, but basically he was saying that when you look at a tiny shoot in the ground, particularly appropriate at this time of year, all you can actually see is the little hint of green. You know that it contains within it, the flower, the brightly coloured petal and the stamen and all the other parts, but they are yet to show themselves. As with plants, children - they have all the elements within them to become a fully formed adult human being, it's all there inside them already, but as yet, unrealised and unformed.
As parents and raisers of children, we need to provide them with the nuturing that is required to bring forth that inner beauty - for as surely as a flower may still be produced if the plant is neglected, one that is carefully and lovingly nurtured will produce the best bloom.
Like I say, badly paraphrased, but I really did like the sentiments expressed. How a child (and plant) is already whole and complete and contains within it all that it will eventually become. Whether it manages it's full potential will depend on what is around it as it matures, so our job is not to mould, co-erce or hothouse our children, but instead provide all the right circumstances for them to flower into their own beauty and fulfil their own potential whatever that may be.
Saturday 29 January 2011
29 January
I just wanted to thank everyone who has stopped by and left a comment so far. Such insights and sharing, I have been so blessed. I love to read your comments and read and savour every single one. I will always do my best to respond, either by leaving another comment on the same post, addressing it in a later post, or replying via the commenter's blog, so please do keep them coming . I love the idea that this space can become a shared place in which we can learn and take solace from each other's experiences, to help each other and build each other up as we seek to take these steps along our own pathways.
In love and light to you all xx
In love and light to you all xx
Wednesday 26 January 2011
26 January
"To dare is to lose one's footing momentarily;
To not dare is to lose oneself"
Soren Kierkegaard
Reflecting:: debating:: seeking inspiration:: desiring to live a truly authentic life:: first requires turning inwards and seeing oneself truly:: establishing what is a fully authentic life:: then daring to dream:: daring to do:: daring to be OPEN::
To not dare is to lose oneself"
Soren Kierkegaard
Reflecting:: debating:: seeking inspiration:: desiring to live a truly authentic life:: first requires turning inwards and seeing oneself truly:: establishing what is a fully authentic life:: then daring to dream:: daring to do:: daring to be OPEN::
Sunday 23 January 2011
23 January
Planning:: thinking:: dreaming::
Lots of big decisions:: lots of life changing thoughts::
Wanting to live intentionally:: wanting to do the best that we can::
Not knowing what path to go down::
Deciding on one path for one day::
Deciding on the absolute opposite the next::
Confused:: Bewildered:: Perplexed::
Hoping for some clarity::
Looking for a sign::
Time will tell::
Thursday 20 January 2011
20 January
I'll confess, I'm a shouter. Nothing like hearing your children shouting at each other to teach you that you spend too much time shouting at them. I want to be a kind and gentle mumma, the sort that is softly spoken and tender and loving at all times. But I have a history of shouting when I get stressed.
I need to do some work on myself to stop that. To take a mumma time out in another room when I can feel my inner temperature gauge pushing up into the red zone.
I want to be more intentional about setting the tone in our house - aiming to calm all of our moods - more soft tranquil background music (I know some people advocate for no recorded music, but I think having music on is such a big part of my life, or at least the life I used to have, before children - I used to wake up to music on my stereo, have music or the radio playing all the time I was at home and go to sleep to soothing classics. Since having the children I haven't listened to music very often at all. I need to). Lighting candles and burning incense. Creating a vibe in which we can be carried.
Slowing down my movements is another thing - since having the children I hurry and scurry everywhere, like Mrs Tiggywinkles. I need to slow my pace and become more deliberate (I think it is a hangover from the b/feeding days, where it was a race to do all the other things before the next feed, but at least, that scurrying about was balanced by times of absolute stillness as they suckled, now I am too drawn into the charging about and the child energy and my own drives of seeking to get stuff done, and there is not enough stillness).
Lastly, of course, the most challenging part is to quiet my own tongue. To stop with the excess verbage, to speak only when necessary and to ensure that the words and the tone convey the message that I want. After all there is no point in parenting unconditionally, in loving them completely if they don't get to experience that - it's their feelings, our relationship that must come first.
Monday 17 January 2011
17 January
Taine and Aiyana - my faerie children I spoke before about unconditional parenting, and wanted to clarify what I mean by that:
Basically it means, to me, anyway, loving the children just as they are and having them know that. Then parenting in parntership with them. No "if, then" contracts (if you don't come here now, no pocket money later), no emphasis on being good, no rewards (if you do x you can get Y - just give when the mood/moment arises, for no reason other than to give and make happy) no punishments or threats (no refusal of bedtime stories after a day of difficult relations - instead, seek to reassert the closeness through extra cuddles and extra stories, fix the broken bond). Ensure the closeness comes first, the learning and teaching second. Get the behaviour that is desired through modelling, imitation and gentle discussions of what kindness, respect and compassion are at times when everyone is centred and open to sharing thoughts and ideas, in a calm manner. No hectoring or lecturing, definitely no shouting or smacking.
Time out, is not something I believe in - in terms of a punishment, or having to do it. Time out for me or for the children can be useful if there needs to be some cooling off period, if we are at a point where we need space in order to re-connect, but it could as much be Mumma time out as children time out and it is not used in this house in a "Go to your room" type command. The alternative, which I seek to use far more, is time in - stopping everything and taking time in a cosy corner to cuddle and make a physical connection, leading to the emotional connection being strengthened. Being down on their level, making eye contact, then physical contact, breathing deep, holding the space, coming back to the centre. Having them know that even in that moment they are totally loved.
As part of this exercise one of the things I need to do is to move away from commenting, picking up on faults, seeking to correct or teach. I need to, frankly, shut the hell up. Let them be. If they are rough playing, don't stop them for fear that one of them might get hurt, wait and see what happens. They may get hurt. They may not and may play for ages, laughing and enjoying the fun they are having. They may get hurt then, or not. Be there when they are, suggest alternatives if they are sought, but otherwise butt out. Let them get on with being them, observe, take pleasure in them, but hold the noise. Learn to speak only when it is really necessary and confine the words to those that must really be spoken.
Of course, it's always *really* necessary to remind them a hundred times a day just how very much they are loved!!
Saturday 15 January 2011
15 January
In which I look at my aims in more detail::
In some ways my aims for the year are all interlinked. The first is to fully accept myself and those around me just as we are. I seek to acknowledge who I am as a person, and live my authentic life, free of self judgement, free of the demons and doubt and negative self talk. Then I need to look at each of my dear ones and acknowledge they are who they are, their own unique personality and I am not going to find every part of that comfortable but I cannot and should not and am not going to try to change them, nor resent them for it but seek, through mindfullness, prayer and meditation to accept each and every part of them and love them for it, realising that even the parts I find difficult and challenging are what makes the whole person, and I know I love that whole being.
My other aim is to parent mindfully and unconditionally.That starts with accepting the children for who they are, and loving them just as they are and not trying to mold them into being something different. In an ideal world I would be a softly spoken, calm, attached, gentle and peaceful parent all of the time, but there is no point in pretending that this is going to happen, because I am only human and I have good days and bad. I am not going to set an intention which is guaranteed to fail, but am going to refer back to my first aim, to accept myself fully and unconditionally, which means being aware that I am quick to snap and loose my temper, that I too readily fall back into the old parenting habits of threats and co-ercion. But I am going to try to be aware of when I am doing this, to recognise it. At first that is all I am attempting to do, but then I shall seek to build on this awareness, and deal with it, by eliminating the harsh talk, by seeking to be fully present for the children, by seeking to find peaceful solutions and model calm and reasonable behaviour, by not lecturing but leading by example.
I want to devote time to looking at what triggers my behaviour - when do I loose my temper and why - is it because of tiredness, or is it because of fear of judgement of others (real or imaginary) when am I putting that imaginary judgement before being authentic with and mindful with the children and honouring them ? I will then seek to eliminate these triggers, either through taking action (earlier sleep) or working through my own issues. My hope is that in being mindful but non-judgemental on myself I will effect the changes I want to see happen. I will be seeking to record our progress here, as a record and a place of accountability.
I need to be realistic there will be difficult heated times but it is going to be a matter of learning to deal with them and moving on whilst maintaining the closeness and love, unconditionally parenting if you will. I want the children to end this year knowing that they are absolutely loved, not just for doing the right things, being good or whatever, but in every way and at every time, even when we are in opposition with each other, they are still loved more than words can being to explain.
Thursday 13 January 2011
13 January
I have been setting my intentions for this year and decided to share them in this space.
They are:
1. To fully accept myself and those around me just as we are
2. To parent mindfully and unconditionally
3. To be open
My word for 2011 is OPEN. I want to be open to whatever the year may bring me. Open to new ideas, open to new possibilities, open to new friendships and new experiences. I want to put myself out there more, stop hiding behind the computer and see what I can experience. I accept that some of my experiences may not prove to be all that great, but I will learn from it all, and I open myself up to the experience whatever that may be.
I want to open myself to God, to growing my faith and finding my community, my tribe. I am open to the thought of creating new connections, new friendships of seeking out the closeness and community I have been craving for so long, but really doing nothing about creating.
Sunday 9 January 2011
A little about me
I have many roles. I am many things. I have many loves, many passions and joys. I seek to share them here.
I am wife to Husbeloved: Mumma to Taine and Aiyana. I stay at home, to take care of them, to care for our home, to give us all as much of a peaceful life as I can manage. We are human and we are not perfect and there are tears and tantrums from us all, we argue, we say harsh words, but deep down we are connected, we love each other, with fierce loyalty and passion.
I parent unconditionally. I am studying Steiner methods and whilst there is much that I take from it, there are some parts that I cannot bring myself to accept - I love the developmental stages and the thought that goes along with that, I love the concepts and practise of warmth, of rythmn, of reverence for the child and for nature, of outdoor play and simple natural clothing and toys, of celebrating festivals through the year. We don't do TV and we limit access to computer games. However, I'm not for enforced delayed academics any more than I am for forced early learning, I'm not about eating certain foods on certain days, or wearing certain colours because it's Tuesday. I'm not about being judged and having to measure up to another's ideals and standards. So I take the elements I like and leave the rest. I am attracted by unschooling and the concept of treating a child's wants as valid - giving them options and a voice that is listened to, of not doling out rewards and punishments like training a monkey. But I am not about unlimited junk food, or 24/7 TV, so I take some elements, those of treating children with respect and I leave the rest. I am about learning to parent mindfully - to consider my inner voice and deal with my own issues before lashing out. I am learning. My children are my constant teachers and I will be recording our journey here, our successes and our failures.
I practice yoga daily and am ever grateful for it in my life. I also attend regular classes. I love the effect that it has on me, physically and mentally. I would love to attend a yoga retreat. I love that it is about striving and doing one's best, about seeking to improve, but not pushing beyond your limits. I love that there are no grades, no standards, no competition, no comparisons, just you and the mat and regular practise. I love the feeling of achievement when I manage a position that months before I thought would never be possibe.
I love to read. I can remember the first time I read a book from start to finish, and the joy that welled inside me. I have always read and in my life before children would read a book in a day, several books over a weekend, stay up all night and watch the dawn break while finishing a good book. That option is no so open to me now, but I still read, to learn, to discover, to escape, to travel, to relate. I will write about the books I am reading. I aim to pass my love of literature onto my children, and we read together as a family so much of the time. We'll share and record the books we read here.
I love nature and being out of doors. I love walking. We are blessed to live between the moors and the seas, surrounded by woods. We are children of nature, tree huggers, nature lovers. My soul is at ease when I am on the wild moors or next to the tranquil seas.
I am a vegetarian. I love to cook and bake. I love healthy food and love to find out new and tempting recipes to cook for my dear ones. I love to bake, and do so weekly with the children, delicious home cooked treats, for we all need balance. Cooking and baking are expressions of my tender love, my sharing of myself. It is a daily joy for me. I bake our bread, and I love to smell the fresh baked bread when I open my front door.
I love cafes and cafe culture. My dream afternoon would be to be snuggled up in one of my favourite cafes, book beside me, chai latte in front of me, people watching, reading or spending time with my dear friends, chatting, laughing, spilling, sharing, connected.
I adore music, it transports me to another place, it lifts me, it frees my emotions. I like folk, rock/indie, world music. Currently I am loving Boo Hewerdine, Amy Seeley, Laura Marling, Seth Lakeman, Newton Faulkner. I will be sharing more. I love seeing live music and plan to do more of this.
I am beginning to learn how to meditate. It feels right for me. I will be sharing more as I learn more. I am excited and thrilled to begin this journey - to connect with others and learn how to become more mindful. I feel I have travelled alone for too long and I am looking to connect, to seek wisdom and guidance on this journey, to learn, and in time, maybe to share that, to teach.
This is my sacred space: I come to share and spill; to document my passions, to record our daily joys, whether they be writ large or tiny, momentous, or seemingly insignificant, transient. I want this to be record of and a reminder to be mindful of all the simple pleasures that make up this life of mine, that bring sparkle to my days. I do not want to hide the bad, I want to share all facets of my being, the bits that make me laugh, the ones I am proud of, the ones that make me cry, the moments I am ashamed of, to walk through the difficult times. I want to share what I learn, to share our happiness, in the hope that someone reading might be lifted up to, may share in the joy as well, or may learn from my experiences.
I am wife to Husbeloved: Mumma to Taine and Aiyana. I stay at home, to take care of them, to care for our home, to give us all as much of a peaceful life as I can manage. We are human and we are not perfect and there are tears and tantrums from us all, we argue, we say harsh words, but deep down we are connected, we love each other, with fierce loyalty and passion.
I parent unconditionally. I am studying Steiner methods and whilst there is much that I take from it, there are some parts that I cannot bring myself to accept - I love the developmental stages and the thought that goes along with that, I love the concepts and practise of warmth, of rythmn, of reverence for the child and for nature, of outdoor play and simple natural clothing and toys, of celebrating festivals through the year. We don't do TV and we limit access to computer games. However, I'm not for enforced delayed academics any more than I am for forced early learning, I'm not about eating certain foods on certain days, or wearing certain colours because it's Tuesday. I'm not about being judged and having to measure up to another's ideals and standards. So I take the elements I like and leave the rest. I am attracted by unschooling and the concept of treating a child's wants as valid - giving them options and a voice that is listened to, of not doling out rewards and punishments like training a monkey. But I am not about unlimited junk food, or 24/7 TV, so I take some elements, those of treating children with respect and I leave the rest. I am about learning to parent mindfully - to consider my inner voice and deal with my own issues before lashing out. I am learning. My children are my constant teachers and I will be recording our journey here, our successes and our failures.
I practice yoga daily and am ever grateful for it in my life. I also attend regular classes. I love the effect that it has on me, physically and mentally. I would love to attend a yoga retreat. I love that it is about striving and doing one's best, about seeking to improve, but not pushing beyond your limits. I love that there are no grades, no standards, no competition, no comparisons, just you and the mat and regular practise. I love the feeling of achievement when I manage a position that months before I thought would never be possibe.
I love to read. I can remember the first time I read a book from start to finish, and the joy that welled inside me. I have always read and in my life before children would read a book in a day, several books over a weekend, stay up all night and watch the dawn break while finishing a good book. That option is no so open to me now, but I still read, to learn, to discover, to escape, to travel, to relate. I will write about the books I am reading. I aim to pass my love of literature onto my children, and we read together as a family so much of the time. We'll share and record the books we read here.
I love nature and being out of doors. I love walking. We are blessed to live between the moors and the seas, surrounded by woods. We are children of nature, tree huggers, nature lovers. My soul is at ease when I am on the wild moors or next to the tranquil seas.
I am a vegetarian. I love to cook and bake. I love healthy food and love to find out new and tempting recipes to cook for my dear ones. I love to bake, and do so weekly with the children, delicious home cooked treats, for we all need balance. Cooking and baking are expressions of my tender love, my sharing of myself. It is a daily joy for me. I bake our bread, and I love to smell the fresh baked bread when I open my front door.
I love cafes and cafe culture. My dream afternoon would be to be snuggled up in one of my favourite cafes, book beside me, chai latte in front of me, people watching, reading or spending time with my dear friends, chatting, laughing, spilling, sharing, connected.
I adore music, it transports me to another place, it lifts me, it frees my emotions. I like folk, rock/indie, world music. Currently I am loving Boo Hewerdine, Amy Seeley, Laura Marling, Seth Lakeman, Newton Faulkner. I will be sharing more. I love seeing live music and plan to do more of this.
I am beginning to learn how to meditate. It feels right for me. I will be sharing more as I learn more. I am excited and thrilled to begin this journey - to connect with others and learn how to become more mindful. I feel I have travelled alone for too long and I am looking to connect, to seek wisdom and guidance on this journey, to learn, and in time, maybe to share that, to teach.
This is my sacred space: I come to share and spill; to document my passions, to record our daily joys, whether they be writ large or tiny, momentous, or seemingly insignificant, transient. I want this to be record of and a reminder to be mindful of all the simple pleasures that make up this life of mine, that bring sparkle to my days. I do not want to hide the bad, I want to share all facets of my being, the bits that make me laugh, the ones I am proud of, the ones that make me cry, the moments I am ashamed of, to walk through the difficult times. I want to share what I learn, to share our happiness, in the hope that someone reading might be lifted up to, may share in the joy as well, or may learn from my experiences.
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