Taine and Aiyana - my faerie children I spoke before about unconditional parenting, and wanted to clarify what I mean by that:
Basically it means, to me, anyway, loving the children just as they are and having them know that. Then parenting in parntership with them. No "if, then" contracts (if you don't come here now, no pocket money later), no emphasis on being good, no rewards (if you do x you can get Y - just give when the mood/moment arises, for no reason other than to give and make happy) no punishments or threats (no refusal of bedtime stories after a day of difficult relations - instead, seek to reassert the closeness through extra cuddles and extra stories, fix the broken bond). Ensure the closeness comes first, the learning and teaching second. Get the behaviour that is desired through modelling, imitation and gentle discussions of what kindness, respect and compassion are at times when everyone is centred and open to sharing thoughts and ideas, in a calm manner. No hectoring or lecturing, definitely no shouting or smacking.
Time out, is not something I believe in - in terms of a punishment, or having to do it. Time out for me or for the children can be useful if there needs to be some cooling off period, if we are at a point where we need space in order to re-connect, but it could as much be Mumma time out as children time out and it is not used in this house in a "Go to your room" type command. The alternative, which I seek to use far more, is time in - stopping everything and taking time in a cosy corner to cuddle and make a physical connection, leading to the emotional connection being strengthened. Being down on their level, making eye contact, then physical contact, breathing deep, holding the space, coming back to the centre. Having them know that even in that moment they are totally loved.
As part of this exercise one of the things I need to do is to move away from commenting, picking up on faults, seeking to correct or teach. I need to, frankly, shut the hell up. Let them be. If they are rough playing, don't stop them for fear that one of them might get hurt, wait and see what happens. They may get hurt. They may not and may play for ages, laughing and enjoying the fun they are having. They may get hurt then, or not. Be there when they are, suggest alternatives if they are sought, but otherwise butt out. Let them get on with being them, observe, take pleasure in them, but hold the noise. Learn to speak only when it is really necessary and confine the words to those that must really be spoken.
Of course, it's always *really* necessary to remind them a hundred times a day just how very much they are loved!!
This feels right for me as well. I admit though, that this style of parenting is easiest with calmer children. My highly spirited girl doesn't respond to time-in and such when her behaviour is chaotic. I find myself correcting (it's not ok to throw hard objects) but keep it straight to the point, focus on behaviour rather than her character, and while removing her from the environment helps, I never say she must remain there or withhold my love when SHE's ready to come for cuddles.
ReplyDeleteBasically, I parent as gently as possible, and try to minimise serious injuries with something a little firmer, lol.
Mon - that is definitely very true - when I think about it, it definitely works with Aiyana, who is much like me, very laid back and calm. With Taine, who is far more volatile, not so much - he has to be given the chance to vent and explode and rage, and THEN we can be together, but sometimes space and distance is better for both of us and the only way to stop the situation escalating. I guess my point is tht it's not necessarily sending the child away for X minutes as a punishment, but taking a chance to calm down (parent or child) in a quiet space, before re-gathering.
ReplyDeleteOf course, this immediately leads us to the issue with all these help books and experts - what works for one child is totally wrong for another - there is no one size fits all solution and all we can do is listen to OUR children and parent authentically, doing the best we can and learning as we go. Thanks for the input though - I love to get comments !!