29 January

I just wanted to thank everyone who has stopped by and left a comment so far. Such insights and sharing, I have been so blessed. I love to read your comments and read and savour every single one. I will always do my best to respond, either by leaving another comment on the same post, addressing it in a later post, or replying via the commenter's blog, so please do keep them coming . I love the idea that this space can become a shared place in which we can learn and take solace from each other's experiences, to help each other and build each other up as we seek to take these steps along our own pathways.

In love and light to you all xx

26 January

"To dare is to lose one's footing momentarily;
To not dare is to lose oneself"

Soren Kierkegaard

Reflecting:: debating:: seeking inspiration:: desiring to live a truly authentic life:: first requires turning inwards and seeing oneself truly:: establishing what is a fully authentic life:: then daring to dream:: daring to do:: daring to be OPEN::

23 January

Planning:: thinking:: dreaming::

Lots of big decisions:: lots of life changing thoughts::

Wanting to live intentionally:: wanting to do the best that we can::

Not knowing what path to go down::

Deciding on one path for one day::

Deciding on the absolute opposite the next::

Confused:: Bewildered:: Perplexed::

Hoping for some clarity::

Looking for a sign::

Time will tell::

20 January

I'll confess, I'm a shouter. Nothing like hearing your children shouting at each other to teach you that you spend too much time shouting at them. I want to be a kind and gentle mumma, the sort that is softly spoken and tender and loving at all times. But I have a history of shouting when I get stressed.

I need to do some work on myself to stop that. To take a mumma time out in another room when I can feel my inner temperature gauge pushing up into the red zone.

I want to be more intentional about setting the tone in our house - aiming to calm all of our moods - more soft tranquil background music (I know some people advocate for no recorded music, but I think having music on is such a big part of my life, or at least the life I used to have, before children - I used to wake up to music on my stereo, have music or the radio playing all the time I was at home and go to sleep to soothing classics. Since having the children I haven't listened to music very often at all. I need to). Lighting candles and burning incense. Creating a vibe in which we can be carried.

Slowing down my movements is another thing - since having the children I hurry and scurry everywhere, like Mrs Tiggywinkles. I need to slow my pace and become more deliberate (I think it is a hangover from the b/feeding days, where it was a race to do all the other things before the next feed, but at least, that scurrying about was balanced by times of absolute stillness as they suckled, now I am too drawn into the charging about and the child energy and my own drives of seeking to get stuff done, and there is not enough stillness).

Lastly, of course, the most challenging part is to quiet my own tongue. To stop with the excess verbage, to speak only when necessary and to ensure that the words and the tone convey the message that I want. After all there is no point in parenting unconditionally, in loving them completely if they don't get to experience that - it's their feelings, our relationship that must come first.

17 January

Taine and Aiyana - my faerie children

I spoke before about unconditional parenting, and wanted to clarify what I mean by that:

Basically it means, to me, anyway, loving the children just as they are and having them know that. Then parenting in parntership with them. No "if, then" contracts (if you don't come here now, no pocket money later), no emphasis on being good, no rewards (if you do x you can get Y - just give when the mood/moment arises, for no reason other than to give and make happy) no punishments or threats (no refusal of bedtime stories after a day of difficult relations - instead, seek to reassert the closeness through extra cuddles and extra stories, fix the broken bond). Ensure the closeness comes first, the learning and teaching second. Get the behaviour that is desired through modelling, imitation and gentle discussions of what kindness, respect and compassion are at times when everyone is centred and open to sharing thoughts and ideas, in a calm manner. No hectoring or lecturing, definitely no shouting or smacking.

Time out, is not something I believe in - in terms of a punishment, or having to do it. Time out for me or for the children can be useful if there needs to be some cooling off period, if we are at a point where we need space in order to re-connect, but it could as much be Mumma time out as children time out and it is not used in this house in a "Go to your room" type command. The alternative, which I seek to use far more, is time in - stopping everything and taking time in a cosy corner to cuddle and make a physical connection, leading to the emotional connection being strengthened. Being down on their level, making eye contact, then physical contact, breathing deep, holding the space, coming back to the centre. Having them know that even in that moment they are totally loved.

As part of this exercise one of the things I need to do is to move away from commenting, picking up on faults, seeking to correct or teach. I need to, frankly, shut the hell up. Let them be. If they are rough playing, don't stop them for fear that one of them might get hurt, wait and see what happens. They may get hurt. They may not and may play for ages, laughing and enjoying the fun they are having. They may get hurt then, or not. Be there when they are, suggest alternatives if they are sought, but otherwise butt out. Let them get on with being them, observe, take pleasure in them, but hold the noise. Learn to speak only when it is really necessary and confine the words to those that must really be spoken.

Of course, it's always *really* necessary to remind them a hundred times a day just how very much they are loved!!

15 January

In which I look at my aims in more detail::

In some ways my aims for the year are all interlinked. The first is to fully accept myself and those around me just as we are. I seek to acknowledge who I am as a person, and live my authentic life, free of self judgement, free of the demons and doubt and negative self talk. Then I need to look at each of my dear ones and acknowledge they are who they are, their own unique personality and I am not going to find every part of that comfortable but I cannot and should not and am not going to try to change them, nor resent them for it but seek, through mindfullness, prayer and meditation to accept each and every part of them and love them for it, realising that even the parts I find difficult and challenging are what makes the whole person, and I know I love that whole being.

My other aim is to parent mindfully and unconditionally.That starts with accepting the children for who they are, and loving them just as they are and not trying to mold them into being something different. In an ideal world I would be a softly spoken, calm, attached, gentle and peaceful parent all of the time, but there is no point in pretending that this is going to happen, because I am only human and I have good days and bad. I am not going to set an intention which is guaranteed to fail, but am going to refer back to my first aim, to accept myself fully and unconditionally, which means being aware that I am quick to snap and loose my temper, that I too readily fall back into the old parenting habits of threats and co-ercion. But I am going to try to be aware of when I am doing this, to recognise it. At first that is all I am attempting to do, but then I shall seek to build on this awareness, and deal with it, by eliminating the harsh talk, by seeking to be fully present for the children, by seeking to find peaceful solutions and model calm and reasonable behaviour, by not lecturing but leading by example.

I want to devote time to looking at what triggers my behaviour - when do I loose my temper and why - is it because of tiredness, or is it because of fear of judgement of others (real or imaginary) when am I putting that imaginary judgement before being authentic with and mindful with the children and honouring them ? I will then seek to eliminate these triggers, either through taking action (earlier sleep) or working through my own issues. My hope is that in being mindful but non-judgemental on myself I will effect the changes I want to see happen. I will be seeking to record our progress here, as a record and a place of accountability.

I need to be realistic there will be difficult heated times but it is going to be a matter of learning to deal with them and moving on whilst maintaining the closeness and love, unconditionally parenting if you will. I want the children to end this year knowing that they are absolutely loved, not just for doing the right things, being good or whatever, but in every way and at every time, even when we are in opposition with each other, they are still loved more than words can being to explain.

13 January

I have been setting my intentions for this year and decided to share them in this space.

They are:

1. To fully accept myself and those around me just as we are

2. To parent mindfully and unconditionally

3. To be open

My word for 2011 is OPEN. I want to be open to whatever the year may bring me. Open to new ideas, open to new possibilities, open to new friendships and new experiences. I want to put myself out there more, stop hiding behind the computer and see what I can experience. I accept that some of my experiences may not prove to be all that great, but I will learn from it all, and I open myself up to the experience whatever that may be.

I want to open myself to God, to growing my faith and finding my community, my tribe. I am open to the thought of creating new connections, new friendships of seeking out the closeness and community I have been craving for so long, but really doing nothing about creating.

A little about me

I have many roles. I am many things. I have many loves, many passions and joys. I seek to share them here.

I am wife to Husbeloved: Mumma to Taine and Aiyana. I stay at home, to take care of them, to care for our home, to give us all as much of a peaceful life as I can manage. We are human and we are not perfect and there are tears and tantrums from us all, we argue, we say harsh words, but deep down we are connected, we love each other, with fierce loyalty and passion.

I parent unconditionally. I am studying Steiner methods and whilst there is much that I take from it, there are some parts that I cannot bring myself to accept - I love the developmental stages and the thought that goes along with that, I love the concepts and practise of warmth, of rythmn, of reverence for the child and for nature, of outdoor play and simple natural clothing and toys, of celebrating festivals through the year. We don't do TV and we limit access to computer games. However, I'm not for enforced delayed academics any more than I am for forced early learning, I'm not about eating certain foods on certain days, or wearing certain colours because it's Tuesday. I'm not about being judged and having to measure up to another's ideals and standards. So I take the elements I like and leave the rest. I am attracted by unschooling and the concept of treating a child's wants as valid - giving them options and a voice that is listened to, of not doling out rewards and punishments like training a monkey. But I am not about unlimited junk food, or 24/7 TV, so I take some elements, those of treating children with respect and I leave the rest. I am about learning to parent mindfully - to consider my inner voice and deal with my own issues before lashing out. I am learning. My children are my constant teachers and I will be recording our journey here, our successes and our failures.

I practice yoga daily and am ever grateful for it in my life. I also attend regular classes. I love the effect that it has on me, physically and mentally. I would love to attend a yoga retreat. I love that it is about striving and doing one's best, about seeking to improve, but not pushing beyond your limits. I love that there are no grades, no standards, no competition, no comparisons, just you and the mat and regular practise. I love the feeling of achievement when I manage a position that months before I thought would never be possibe.

I love to read. I can remember the first time I read a book from start to finish, and the joy that welled inside me. I have always read and in my life before children would read a book in a day, several books over a weekend, stay up all night and watch the dawn break while finishing a good book. That option is no so open to me now, but I still read, to learn, to discover, to escape, to travel, to relate. I will write about the books I am reading. I aim to pass my love of literature onto my children, and we read together as a family so much of the time. We'll share and record the books we read here.

I love nature and being out of doors. I love walking. We are blessed to live between the moors and the seas, surrounded by woods. We are children of nature, tree huggers, nature lovers. My soul is at ease when I am on the wild moors or next to the tranquil seas.

I am a vegetarian. I love to cook and bake. I love healthy food and love to find out new and tempting recipes to cook for my dear ones. I love to bake, and do so weekly with the children, delicious home cooked treats, for we all need balance. Cooking and baking are expressions of my tender love, my sharing of myself. It is a daily joy for me. I bake our bread, and I love to smell the fresh baked bread when I open my front door.

I love cafes and cafe culture. My dream afternoon would be to be snuggled up in one of my favourite cafes, book beside me, chai latte in front of me, people watching, reading or spending time with my dear friends, chatting, laughing, spilling, sharing, connected.

I adore music, it transports me to another place, it lifts me, it frees my emotions. I like folk, rock/indie, world music. Currently I am loving Boo Hewerdine, Amy Seeley, Laura Marling, Seth Lakeman, Newton Faulkner. I will be sharing more. I love seeing live music and plan to do more of this.

I am beginning to learn how to meditate. It feels right for me. I will be sharing more as I learn more. I am excited and thrilled to begin this journey - to connect with others and learn how to become more mindful. I feel I have travelled alone for too long and I am looking to connect, to seek wisdom and guidance on this journey, to learn, and in time, maybe to share that, to teach.

This is my sacred space: I come to share and spill; to document my passions, to record our daily joys, whether they be writ large or tiny, momentous, or seemingly insignificant, transient. I want this to be record of and a reminder to be mindful of all the simple pleasures that make up this life of mine, that bring sparkle to my days. I do not want to hide the bad, I want to share all facets of my being, the bits that make me laugh, the ones I am proud of, the ones that make me cry, the moments I am ashamed of, to walk through the difficult times. I want to share what I learn, to share our happiness, in the hope that someone reading might be lifted up to, may share in the joy as well, or may learn from my experiences.